Ep2: Your Secret Kryptonite: "I Need to Be Needed"

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Podcast Experts:

The Candle That Burns Itself Out

Imani Evans - Transformation Coach / Trauma Recovery Strategist / Barrier Breaker / Artist / Unicorn. Author.

Mamoon Yusaf - Spiritual Coach / Transformational Author / TV Host (Quran Coach, Taqwa Transformation) / 15‑Year Professional Coach / NLP-Trained Coach

Rita Garnto - Self‑Care Educator / Stress‑Reduction Specialist / Founder & CEO, Simple Self‑Care by Rita / Former Respiratory & Massage Therapist / Author (Simple Self‑Care Saved Me!)

Deb Crowe - Self‑Care Guru / Former Neuro‑Trauma Case Manager (1990–2013) / Chair‑Yoga Leader for Seniors & Disability / Heart‑Centered Leadership Coach & Professor / Author (The Heart‑Centered Leadership Playbook)

Lisa Marie Grantham - Business Coach / Lifestyle & Spiritual Teacher / Founder, The Goddess Lifestyle Plan® / Holistic Health & Metaphysical Expert (20+ yrs) / Best‑Selling Author

Henrietta Szovati - Life Strategist & Leadership Coach / Former Corporate Climber & Neuroscience Enthusiast / Writer & Retreat Host / Author – “HeartSmart: One Woman’s Journey from Her Head to Her Heart”

Sherri‑Lee Woycik - Facebook Ads Expert / Founder, Social Media Minder / Business Coach Empowering Women) / Author & Speaker

Mammon: "The one who doesn't do what they say they teach, but they don't live it themselves is like a candle that provides light to others, but then burns itself out literally."

You teach boundaries, but check emails at midnight. You preach self-care, but can't remember your last real break. What if you're actually addicted to being needed?

That addiction turns us into candles—lighting others while burning ourselves out.

Imani: "I was doing a lot of work. A lot of traveling and talking about sexual violence. And I had really detached myself from all the practices that I know helped me stay well. And, it happens slowly. It's the one day you don't get up and meditate and then that one day turns into three. The one day you skip the gym and because you're out of town and you don't like their gym and then that three day turns into five. And then in place of those things that I was doing for myself, I just put more work. Oh, I have an extra 10 minutes. I'll talk with this woman on the phone about her situation."

How It Happens Slowly, Then All at Once

Rita: "I was already losing strength in my left arm. I was eating way too much Advil. Like I got a 10 minute lecture from the surgeon about how much Advil I know better. But it's, my pain was usually eight out of 10 tingling. And I realized after I had the surgery, I took eight weeks off that I was killing myself."

When Your Body Forces You to Stop

Deb: "For my clients, it's stress. Sleep deprivation, nausea, cognitive fatigue, physical fatigue inability to cope... And then just other physical representations, whether it would be a rash or crohn's disease, colitis, high blood pressure. I've seen the whole gamut. I've worked with women that have had all of this, and it all comes back to how they view themselves and the guilt and shame that they feel. 'Cause they have all these initials after their name and they think they're wearing a superhero cape and that, you know, they can do anything for as long as they want and not have boundaries, not have any self-care. It eventually catches up to you guaranteed."

The Physical Toll of the Superhero Complex

Taniya: "This is something that I realized that I was expecting everybody else to take care of me. Rescue me and looking for whoever that was, that therapist, that counselor, my husband, a friend. And I remember this time last year, it was gradually every several months. The only person that's gonna take care of me is me."

Waiting for Someone Else to Rescue You

Rita: "I call that brick wall number two. That I've got to do something different. I have to change this. And if I'm gonna be the best for my daughters and my husband and my clients and my family, I have got to take care of me 'cause no one else is gonna do it. They've got their own stuff. They all have own stuff."

Imani: "God complex, a narcissistic provider and what it means is that sometimes you get caught up in, feeding our ego by serving other people. We are doing a small part to contribute to the healing of others and that part of that cycle requires us to heal and continue to heal ourselves. We are flawed in perfect human beings doing, the work of God, but we are not God. We're no different from the people that we serve."

The God Complex Trap

Taniya: " I wanted to ask you about integrity and I saw it this way. Integrity is about the promises that you keep to yourself a lot of things to keep to others. How would you define integrity? How would you describe it?"

Integrity: The Promises You Keep to Yourself

Henrietta: "Our integrity is our essential core self. That's how we were created. It's full of God's spirit breathed into us, and if it's wounded, overlooked, or unhealed, it's important that we understand that integrity is always there.

However, it shatters over time. By the age of six or seven, we are probably completely losing it because people are giving us labels. I know with my children, when they started taking exams for secondary school, that had nothing to do with who they are as human beings. It's about how much they can memorize and how well they can produce results - that's what an exam is about.

Then you start questioning your self-worth: "Am I good enough? Am I not good enough?" Your integrity further divides, and it just goes. I call it like the pearls are just spread on the ground and they are running everywhere - because that's our integrity scattered.

Then there is a spiritual awakening where I need to gather my integrity back together."

Sherri-Lee: "For me the number one key in all of this comes down to self value. If you say, oh, but I can't make time for myself, but I can't take time to do that, but I, don't, I'm not able to do this. Those are excuses, and they come down to you not valuing yourself enough to make yourself a priority. And when I was in the thick of it, I would've been mad at somebody for saying that because I would've denied it and I wouldn't have agreed with it. But now in retrospect, I can look back and go. That's totally true. Like I just didn't prioritize myself and I need to make myself as much of a priority as anybody else.

The Real Issue: You Don't Value Yourself Enough

I look for the fatigue. I look for the, just feeling really run down, the irritability, the annoyance with everybody, and an emptiness, I feel empty. Like I just have nothing left to give. What I used to do was then get mad 'cause nobody would give to me. Now that I value myself more, I give to myself."

Lisa Marie: I've worked primarily with women, and we're nurturers by nature - it's the way we're hardwired. So we will give, and let's face it, we live in a world of codependency. We're always giving. I used to be a people pleaser - I grew up as a people pleaser. That's just my default nature. I wanted everybody to always be happy, and when everybody was happy, Lisa would be happy.

You know what? Lisa was never happy because not everybody was happy at the same time in my life. It was an impossible feat for me to even attempt to do. I think in the profession that you're in, and many of the healthcare professions, we blur the lines of when it's not our responsibility anymore.

The People-Pleaser's Impossible Math

Lisa Marie: "You cannot pour from an empty vessel. And my client said to me, I wanna be so full that everybody in my life drinks from the overflow. They don't even get into the vessel."

You Can't Pour From an Empty Vessel

When I was so busy, giving giving, giving. I didn't know what was a deal maker or a deal breaker for Lisa. I didn't even know Lisa. So how could I even like Lisa? I didn't know her. So the time I spent going inward, I realized that I am worthy, in my very nature. I deserve kindness. I deserve kindness from others, but I also deserve kindness for myself. I deserve time. I deserve to be well rested.

Here was the thing. I also realized that when I'm well rested. I am a better coach, better mother, better teacher, better every better wife, better everything. When I am filled, I am better at everything I do. So for me, being that it was so hard in the beginning for me to honor what my needs were, I was like, if I don't take good care of myself, then I can't serve powerfully in the way that I want to. So I made my big why was for others. But the medicine was taking time for exquisite self-care.

Next episode: What happens when caring starts to hurt so much that you just stop feeling—when you numb the pain, but lose the joy too.

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